Educated in Intimacy

“It has been said that marriage is the school of love, and it is certain that a committed, caring marriage relationship is absolutely the best environment to learn the intricacies of sexual expression and intimacy. But it is also important to understand that it is okay, as Latter-day Saints, to ask such questions and to seek meaningful answers.” – Sean E. Brotherson

When we get married we tend to become friends with others who are married, even those who have interests the same as us and might be in the same period of life as us. I find this to be common in almost all my friendships. When I do get together with these friends we talk about our relationships. It almost always comes up. A lot of the times it is about our children, but that is just the stage I am in. Other times it is about the relationships we have with our spouse. Talking about vacations, day-to-day life, disagreements, plans, and other things often come up. Sometimes this becomes the focus and other times it is a mere detail leading us to other conversation. 

What seems to rarely come up is our intimate relationship with our spouse. There is good reason for this, it is sacred. We don’t need to be sharing what happens intimately with others, but that does not excluded us from talking about or learning about intimacy in our marriage. President Kimball noted, “if you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find there are one, two, three, four reasons. Generally sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason.” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982, p. 312.)

Since I am no expert on the matter I would like to turn to those who are and direct the attention of this post to them, mainly Sean E. Brotherson. Dr. Brotherson is the state extension family life specialist at North Dakota State University in Fargo, North Dakota. He holds Master’s and Doctoral degrees in family science. He has also researched, published, and presented information on the topic of intimacy in marriage. 

Dr. Brotherson says that as Latter-day Saints we normally hear two types of dialogue: The world view (Satan’s), which is twisted, and church messages that stir us away from sexual matters. He continues to says, “But there is a third part of the dialogue, seldom heard or discussed, and yet it comprises perhaps the most important and powerful portion of our understanding about sexual intimacy. It is the dialogue about the sanctity, power and emotional depth of proper sexual intimacy in the companionship of a married husband and wife.” He explains the “Four Horsemen” for sexual fulfillment as: ignorance, inhibition, ill will, and immorality.

Ignorance:

“the first step is to give yourself permission to seek answers to your concerns.”

“As couples learn to communicate about sexual intimacy, they must learn to become comfortable with the topic and expressing their feelings and thoughts in specific ways.”

Inhibition:

“Inhibition, in this sense, refers specifically to an avoidance of dealing with one's thoughts, feelings, desires, or behaviors related to sexual functioning in marriage.”

o   Read, write, or discuss how you respond sexually to your companion.

o   Think of your relationship as a gospel stewardship. “We are expected to improve or enhance what we have been given.”

o   Study scripture and teaching of prophets on the topic

o   Seek assistance from a counselor or therapist

Ill will:

“ ‘Ill will’ is a catch-all term for emotional or verbal abuse, inattentiveness, apathy, isolation, anger, or other forms of negativity that couples may practice and thus perpetuate a cycle of ill feeling and willful hurt in a marriage relationship.”

Immorality:

While Brotherson did not go into detail for this horsemen, I thought I would share some thoughts from our prophets on pornography. This seems to be one of the most damaging acts when it comes to immorality in a marriage. 

"The brain won’t vomit back filth. Once recorded, it will always remain subject to recall, flashing its perverted images across your mind and drawing you away from the wholesome things in life.” - Dallin H.  Oaks, Challenges for the Year Ahead (pamphlet, 1974), 4–5	"Pornography impairs one’s ability to enjoy a normal emotional, romantic, and spiritual relationship with a person of the opposite sex."  - Dallin H. Oaks, Pornography, Conference April 2005	"Pornography, the carrier, is big business. It is Mafia-spawned. It is contagious. It is addicting."  - Thomas S. Monson, Pornography- the Deadly Carrier, Conference Oct. 1979
"If you are ensnarled in pornography, make a total commitment to overcome it now. Find a quiet place; pray urgently for help and support. Be patient and obedient. Don’t give up." - Richard G. Scott, To Acquire Spiritual Guidance, Conference Oct. 2009	"One of the ultimate ironies of eternity is that the adversary, who is miserable precisely because he has no physical body, entices us to share in his misery through the improper use of our bodies. The very tool he does not have is thus the primary target of his attempts to lure us to spiritual destruction." -Elder David A. Bednar, We Believe in Being Chaste, Conference April 2013	"There is also an age-old excuse: “The devil made me do it.” Not so! He can deceive you and mislead you, but he does not have the power to force you or anyone else to transgress or to keep you in transgression." - Boyd K. Packer, Cleansing the Inner Vessel, Conference Oct. 2010

As we take the time to educate ourselves in intimacy and sexual fulfillment we will find that this is not a secret topic, but a sacred topic. A topic that we need to educated ourselves on and not assume that it will come naturally. When we go to reliable sources that hold the same standards as God, we can find fulfillment in one of the greatest joys in marriage.