“It has been said that marriage is the school of love, and it is certain
that a committed, caring marriage relationship is absolutely the best
environment to learn the intricacies of sexual expression and intimacy. But it
is also important to understand that it is okay, as Latter-day Saints, to ask
such questions and to seek meaningful answers.” – Sean E. Brotherson
When we get married we tend to
become friends with others who are married, even those who have interests the
same as us and might be in the same period of life as us. I find this to be
common in almost all my friendships. When I do get together with these friends
we talk about our relationships. It almost always comes up. A lot of the times
it is about our children, but that is just the stage I am in. Other times it is
about the relationships we have with our spouse. Talking about vacations,
day-to-day life, disagreements, plans, and other things often come up.
Sometimes this becomes the focus and other times it is a mere detail leading us
to other conversation.
What seems to rarely come up is
our intimate relationship with our spouse. There is good reason for this, it is
sacred. We don’t need to be sharing what happens intimately with others, but
that does not excluded us from talking about or learning about intimacy in our
marriage. President Kimball noted, “if you study the divorces, as we have had
to do in these past years, you will find there are one, two, three, four
reasons. Generally sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may
not say that in court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that
is the reason.” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball,
Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982, p. 312.)
Since I am no expert on the matter I would like to turn to
those who are and direct the attention of this post to them, mainly Sean E.
Brotherson. Dr. Brotherson is the state extension family life specialist
at North Dakota State University in Fargo, North Dakota. He holds Master’s and
Doctoral degrees in family science. He has also researched, published, and
presented information on the topic of intimacy in marriage.
Dr. Brotherson says that as Latter-day Saints we normally hear
two types of dialogue: The world view (Satan’s), which is twisted, and church
messages that stir us away from sexual matters. He continues to says, “But
there is a third part of the dialogue, seldom heard or discussed, and yet it
comprises perhaps the most important and powerful portion of our understanding
about sexual intimacy. It is the dialogue about the sanctity, power and
emotional depth of proper sexual intimacy in the companionship of a married
husband and wife.” He explains the “Four Horsemen” for sexual fulfillment
as: ignorance, inhibition, ill will, and
immorality.
Ignorance:
“the
first step is to give yourself permission to seek answers to your concerns.”
“As
couples learn to communicate about sexual intimacy, they must learn to become
comfortable with the topic and expressing their feelings and thoughts in
specific ways.”
Inhibition:
“Inhibition,
in this sense, refers specifically to an avoidance of dealing with one's
thoughts, feelings, desires, or behaviors related to sexual functioning in
marriage.”
o
Read, write, or
discuss how you respond sexually to your companion.
o
Think of your
relationship as a gospel stewardship. “We
are expected to improve or enhance what we have been given.”
o
Study
scripture and teaching of prophets on the topic
o
Seek
assistance from a counselor or therapist
Ill will:
“
‘Ill will’ is a catch-all term for emotional or verbal abuse, inattentiveness,
apathy, isolation, anger, or other forms of negativity that couples may
practice and thus perpetuate a cycle of ill feeling and willful hurt in a
marriage relationship.”
Immorality:
While
Brotherson did not go into detail for this horsemen, I thought I would share
some thoughts from our prophets on pornography. This seems to be one of the
most damaging acts when it comes to immorality in a marriage.
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"The brain
won’t vomit back filth. Once recorded, it will always remain subject to
recall, flashing its perverted images across your mind and drawing you away
from the wholesome things in life.”
- Dallin H. Oaks, Challenges for the Year Ahead (pamphlet, 1974), 4–5
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"Pornography
impairs one’s ability to enjoy a normal emotional, romantic, and spiritual
relationship with a person of the opposite sex."
- Dallin H. Oaks, Pornography, Conference
April 2005
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"Pornography,
the carrier, is big business. It is Mafia-spawned. It is contagious. It is
addicting."
- Thomas S. Monson, Pornography- the Deadly
Carrier, Conference Oct. 1979
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"If you are
ensnarled in pornography, make a total commitment to overcome it now. Find a
quiet place; pray urgently for help and support. Be patient and obedient.
Don’t give up."
- Richard G.
Scott, To Acquire Spiritual Guidance, Conference Oct. 2009
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"One of the
ultimate ironies of eternity is that the adversary, who is miserable
precisely because he has no physical body, entices us to share in his misery
through the improper use of our bodies. The very tool he does not have is
thus the primary target of his attempts to lure us to spiritual
destruction."
-Elder David A.
Bednar, We Believe in Being Chaste, Conference April 2013
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"There is
also an age-old excuse: “The devil made me do it.” Not so! He can deceive you
and mislead you, but he does not have the power to force you or anyone else
to transgress or to keep you in transgression."
- Boyd K. Packer,
Cleansing the Inner Vessel, Conference Oct. 2010
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As
we take the time to educate ourselves in intimacy and sexual fulfillment we
will find that this is not a secret topic, but a sacred topic. A topic that we
need to educated ourselves on and not assume that it will come naturally. When
we go to reliable sources that hold the same standards as God, we can find
fulfillment in one of the greatest joys in marriage.
