Perpetual Problems

For so many years, I have been frustrated by the reoccurring problems that happen in my marriage. I don’t understand how we are magically supposed to change how the other feels about something. I get emotional and worked up almost every time these reoccurring problems surface. Feelings of resentment, hurt, loneliness, anger, and frustration are frequent visitors when we start down the path that is all too familiar. How is it possible for these repeating conflicts to be solved, never to burden us again?

Is the answer really just keep working on yourself and let God take care of your needs? How much damage will be done while we wait? How many times do we say what is right and kind, while inside our heart is aching because it is not our true feelings? 

Gottman (author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) labels these problems as our perpetual problems. They are unlike our solvable problems. Solvable problems are our arguments that focus on only one particular dilemma. However, “69% of all problems in marriage are perpetual,” says Gottman. 

When I read this statistic, I must say I was a little relieved. Couples all over the world are facing the same problems over and over, just like my husband and me. We are not doomed! And if the percentage is so high, then there must be couples out there who are figuring out how to take these reoccurring problems and not let them sabotage their marriage. 

I don’t want it to sound like my marriage is in ruins, I am very happily married. I just couldn’t figure out why we couldn’t fix each other to feel and think similar, so we could completely overcome our difference of opinions. I must remember that acceptance might be better than change. So, I guess we need to figure out how to accept each other. Gottman gives suggestions to manage and solve our conflicts. 

He says that negative emotions are important. While it can be hard to listen to negative feelings he says we must remember, “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.”  I can do this. I can listen when my husband is feeling down. It is the next part that I struggle with. “This is true when your partner’s anger, sadness, disappointment, or fear is directed at you.” 

It is hard to listen to our partner express that his or her pain is because of our shortcomings, especially when we don’t feel we have those shortcomings.  So just how do we handle this situation?  Gottman also states that to manage conflict acceptance is crucial, “When people feel criticized, disliked, or unappreciated, they are unable to change.” If we want to express that we are in pain because of our partner, we need to be ready to “communicate basic acceptance of [our] partner’s personality.” Change is unlikely to happen if we only blame rather than respect our partner. 

Along with negative emotions are important, and acceptance is crucial, Gottman suggests we understand that no one is right, and focus on fondness and admiration. If we cannot seem to overcome our perpetual disagreements, then we might need a good foundation of reasons why we love and respect one another. When my husband comes to me out of frustration for something, I might have done, it is a lot easier to hear him out when he has shown me that I am valuable, and that he has many good qualities, which he works on continually. 

“We may not enjoy having these problems, but we are able to cope by avoiding situations that worsen them,” - John Gottman.

negative emotions are important

                      acceptance is crucial

 no one is right

        focus on fondness and admiration. 

Through reading I have come to realize that we do not have to resolve our perpetual conflicts in order to have a successful marriage. Whew! I do realize that I have much to do, so I can accept and help the pain my husband might be having, and so I can better communicate my needs without feeling I need to be right or see large changes.