Change and Charity

  

  Awhile back my husband and I were driving home from a short evening out. We had been to our favorite restaurant for a quick bite, and then were joining friends for a game night.  Before we left my husband had made a comment that I found to be irritating. We ate our meal with slight tension between us and our conversation was flat. Although this was our favorite restaurant he had commented that his dish was an odd combination of flavors and mine was a little spicier than normal. As we headed home we started to talk about the things that were on our minds. He mentioned he felt a bit picked on, like our children and I had been distant and he was left out. I was not going to entertain this thought; I was still irritated from his earlier comment. I felt it necessary to give advice. I got out my nice voice, so I didn’t sound negative, and started giving examples of situations where he could have said things differently, and maybe done things different. He quieted down and stated that it must be all his fault then. 

For the next few days our conversation seemed like we were doing business together. Neither of us were intentionally rude, nor trying to fix anything. Indifferent would be a good word for our contact with each other. Neither of us wanted to change ourselves to better the situation, we wanted the other to change. 

According to John Gottman, “70% of what we don’t like will never change!”  So here we were on our date night and we were trying to change something that was most likely not going to change. Or, maybe we could still change things, there is that 30% chance of changing what we don’t like. Gottman weighs in on the 30% chance:

The ONLY way to get a partner to change that 30% is by enjoying them the way they are! You can spot the irony. When we love our partners the way they are, we don’t care if they change! That is the very thing that liberates them to change. Acceptance is the key to change in those areas where it is possible. (Goddard, p. 127) 

Supposing that these changes are not in the 30% we are back to the 70%.   Well then, how do  I get over my husband’s irritating comment, and how does he get over my advice criticism? 

The answer is CHARITY! H Wallace Goddard shares with us that we need to forget about our partner’s weaknesses and focus on our charity. He says, “Irritations with our partner are not a challenge to diplomacy as much as to our charity. There are no right words when our hearts are wrong.” When I was trying to counsel my husband my heart was not in the right place. Goddard also says, “The failure of our partner to appreciate our analyses of their characters is likely to result in more analysis and more criticism.” Over the next few days we were not verbally criticizing each other, but we were criticizing our relationship with our unwillingness to be charitable to one another.

How do we obtain charity? 

 

Charity is the pure love of Christ,

and it endureth forever, 

and whoso is found possessed 

of it at the last day,

 it shall be well with him.”

  Moroni 7: 47

·        Pray for help and guidance.

·        Pray to see your partner as God sees your partner. (Moroni 7: 47-48)

·        Focus on the good things. (“Get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate.” Gottman)

·        Be quick to forgive (Repentance and Forgiveness in Marriage, Richard Miller)

·        Do not be offended (And Nothing Shall Offend Them, David A. Bednar)

·        Focus on acceptance, not change

If we can learn to be charitable in our marriage we will not be so worried with changing our partner. We will change ourselves.