In-Laws (making it work)

                               (Thanksgiving with my in-laws. They are really great!) 

 

“For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.” — Jeff Foxworthy

Do you remember meeting your spouse? Where you dreamy eyed? Did you have butterflies? Was falling in love what you expected and hoped for? 

For many of us falling in love with our spouse was an adventure and wonderful experience. We most likely remember what attracted us to them.  We remember our first date and kiss. We probably shared our goals and dreams. We got to know our future spouse on a deep level as we learned of their education goals, religious beliefs, feelings of a future family, where we would live and work. All of these things built on a relationship that led to our marriage. We controlled a lot of our relationship and what it consisted of. 

One thing that we did not have control over was our future spouse’s family. We may have even been surprised to find out how different their family was from them. Maybe we found out they were the shy one, the smart one, the religious one, the tall one, even the one with the best manners. 

As these things unfold, before or after the marriage, we get to decide how we respond to them. Having in-laws can create tension, misunderstanding, and even loneliness. Some of us might feel like Jeff Foxworthy describes in the above quote. But, it can also cause appreciation, happiness, and fondness. In The Family: A proclamation to the World it states, “Extended families should lend support when needed.” When this support is given in the right way we can not only improve our relationship with our in-laws, but with our spouse. 

I remember the first time meeting my in-laws. I was nervous and was still in the early stages of dating their son. My husband and I went with another couple for the weekend to visit and just hangout. I remember my mother-in-law made soup. I remember we got snowed in and couldn’t return to college until a day later than expected. I wondered what they thought of me and was worried about the age difference between my husband and me (7 years). Would they think me as too young and immature? 

As time has passed I have had many experiences and feelings regarding my in-laws, and I am sure they have of me. I have come to appreciate the support they have given over the years and learned a thing or two from our low times — like when we lived with them for 9 months, HOLY MOLY! 

James Harper and Susanne Olsen wrote a chapter titled “Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families.” They discuss ways we can have healthy relationships with our in-laws. As we learn from the scriptures we are to cleave unto our spouses (Genesis 2: 24). Harper and Olsen state, “cleaving to spouses, newly married couples are to be devoted, faithful, and steadfast to their new companions.”  While we are supportive and faithful to our spouse we do not need to forget our parents. A combination of both can help enhance both relationships. Many times when we have a close relationship with our parents we may find it hard to rely first on our spouse when first married. 

Harper and Olsen also share the importance of parents being respectful of the new couples shared identity. Letting them create their own traditions and values and not putting pressure on them to join all family gatherings. They suggest a couple should, “discuss what they will do to protect, maintain, and repair (if necessary).

One thing regarding in-laws I would say I have learned pertains to advice that Harper and Olsen suggest, accepting differences. It normally does no good to point out perceived flaws of our in-laws to our spouse. We may need to express concerns we have of boundaries not being respected or harsh circumstances, but if our aim is to just state we do not care for something, I have rarely seen any good come from this. Our spouse hopefully loves and cares for their parents, or at least respects them. Our spouse probably already knows that their mother talks too much, or that their father avoids family problems that should be discussed. When we bring these things up we set ourselves up for possible contention or hurt feelings. Harper and Olsen suggest, “Prayer fasting, and loving long-suffering are the best remedies when differences of children-in-law bother us.”

I am grateful for my in-laws and my husband is thankful for my parents as well. We have both found that our in-law relationships are at their best when we cleave to one another, discuss how our individual family will do things, find support from our extended family, and accept inevitable differences.

Couple Council

During the course of his blog I have focused a good portion on problem solving and prevention. Today I would like to talk about another prevention tool — counseling together. 

In Elder Ballard’s conference talk in April of 2016 he spoke of family councils and set apart executive councils as on type. An executive council involves two parents.  Elder Ballard states: 

The executive family council is also a good time for wives and husbands to talk about their personal relationships with each other. When Elder Harold B. Lee performed our sealing, he taught us a principle that I believe all couples will find helpful. He said, ‘Never retire without kneeling together, holding hands, and saying your prayers. Such prayers invite Heavenly Father to counsel us by the power of the Spirit.’

Elder Ballard also says this is a good time to talk about the needs of the family in all domains and of all individuals. When we set time to communicate what is going on in our homes and relationships we can prevent future disagreements, arguments, and contention. We are taking the time to talk when both people are calm and ready, not when they are hurt, vulnerable, or upset. 

There are councils throughout the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints that happen on a regular basis. These meeting are a time to share and learn what is going on. Addressing concerns and problems between you and your spouse, or even challenges with children, help open communication and respect for each other’s thoughts ad opinions. The way these councils are set up and carried out by the brethren in the quorum of the twelve give them each an opportunity to prepare and share before any final decisions are made. We can pattern our couple council after theirs and have similar results of love, compassion, understanding, and resolve. Listed below is the set up for their council. 

1. Regular time and place to meet (temple each Thursday morning)
2. A meeting agenda distributed in advance of the meeting
3. Beginning with expressions of love and concern for each member, individually
4. Opening with prayer, inviting the Spirit to assist with the process
5. A member invited to initiate discussion of the item by defining the problem and current status of decisions, etc.
6. Opening for orderly discussion (one at a time, "additive" rather than corrective comments from each member in turn, etc.)
7. On-going, focused discussion until consensus is reached, under the clear influence of the Spirit (as opposed to compromise)
8. Moving forward with unity in accordance with the decision reached
9. Often a snack or other unifying tradition (The brethren often enjoy chocolates and pie when they meet in the temple!)
10. Follow-up discussions of results and progress toward determined outcome

In a separate time Elder Ballard talked of councils and explained, “Most of what men and women must do to qualify for an exalted family life together is based on shared responsibilities and objectives.” We learn from this that together we must make decisions to be an exalted family. He goes on to say, “Both men and women are to serve their families and others, but the specific ways in which they do so are sometimes different.” Not only do we need to make decisions together, but we must realize that those decisions occasionally will be based on two separate, but equal, viewpoints. If we council before our problems arise, and do as Elder Harold B. Lee advised, pray together, we can work together and use the strengths of each other to help create a council with a positive outcome. 

One of the things that stood out to me form the above list is part of #8, moving forward with unity. 

When we unify our efforts while we council with one another we are doing as President Eyring says, “We are all just looking for the truth, we’re not trying to win.” Revelation can come to us through prayer and unity.  

This is one of my favorite video that describes the way the brethren council together. 

Educated in Intimacy

“It has been said that marriage is the school of love, and it is certain that a committed, caring marriage relationship is absolutely the best environment to learn the intricacies of sexual expression and intimacy. But it is also important to understand that it is okay, as Latter-day Saints, to ask such questions and to seek meaningful answers.” – Sean E. Brotherson

When we get married we tend to become friends with others who are married, even those who have interests the same as us and might be in the same period of life as us. I find this to be common in almost all my friendships. When I do get together with these friends we talk about our relationships. It almost always comes up. A lot of the times it is about our children, but that is just the stage I am in. Other times it is about the relationships we have with our spouse. Talking about vacations, day-to-day life, disagreements, plans, and other things often come up. Sometimes this becomes the focus and other times it is a mere detail leading us to other conversation. 

What seems to rarely come up is our intimate relationship with our spouse. There is good reason for this, it is sacred. We don’t need to be sharing what happens intimately with others, but that does not excluded us from talking about or learning about intimacy in our marriage. President Kimball noted, “if you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find there are one, two, three, four reasons. Generally sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason.” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982, p. 312.)

Since I am no expert on the matter I would like to turn to those who are and direct the attention of this post to them, mainly Sean E. Brotherson. Dr. Brotherson is the state extension family life specialist at North Dakota State University in Fargo, North Dakota. He holds Master’s and Doctoral degrees in family science. He has also researched, published, and presented information on the topic of intimacy in marriage. 

Dr. Brotherson says that as Latter-day Saints we normally hear two types of dialogue: The world view (Satan’s), which is twisted, and church messages that stir us away from sexual matters. He continues to says, “But there is a third part of the dialogue, seldom heard or discussed, and yet it comprises perhaps the most important and powerful portion of our understanding about sexual intimacy. It is the dialogue about the sanctity, power and emotional depth of proper sexual intimacy in the companionship of a married husband and wife.” He explains the “Four Horsemen” for sexual fulfillment as: ignorance, inhibition, ill will, and immorality.

Ignorance:

“the first step is to give yourself permission to seek answers to your concerns.”

“As couples learn to communicate about sexual intimacy, they must learn to become comfortable with the topic and expressing their feelings and thoughts in specific ways.”

Inhibition:

“Inhibition, in this sense, refers specifically to an avoidance of dealing with one's thoughts, feelings, desires, or behaviors related to sexual functioning in marriage.”

o   Read, write, or discuss how you respond sexually to your companion.

o   Think of your relationship as a gospel stewardship. “We are expected to improve or enhance what we have been given.”

o   Study scripture and teaching of prophets on the topic

o   Seek assistance from a counselor or therapist

Ill will:

“ ‘Ill will’ is a catch-all term for emotional or verbal abuse, inattentiveness, apathy, isolation, anger, or other forms of negativity that couples may practice and thus perpetuate a cycle of ill feeling and willful hurt in a marriage relationship.”

Immorality:

While Brotherson did not go into detail for this horsemen, I thought I would share some thoughts from our prophets on pornography. This seems to be one of the most damaging acts when it comes to immorality in a marriage. 

"The brain won’t vomit back filth. Once recorded, it will always remain subject to recall, flashing its perverted images across your mind and drawing you away from the wholesome things in life.” - Dallin H.  Oaks, Challenges for the Year Ahead (pamphlet, 1974), 4–5	"Pornography impairs one’s ability to enjoy a normal emotional, romantic, and spiritual relationship with a person of the opposite sex."  - Dallin H. Oaks, Pornography, Conference April 2005	"Pornography, the carrier, is big business. It is Mafia-spawned. It is contagious. It is addicting."  - Thomas S. Monson, Pornography- the Deadly Carrier, Conference Oct. 1979
"If you are ensnarled in pornography, make a total commitment to overcome it now. Find a quiet place; pray urgently for help and support. Be patient and obedient. Don’t give up." - Richard G. Scott, To Acquire Spiritual Guidance, Conference Oct. 2009	"One of the ultimate ironies of eternity is that the adversary, who is miserable precisely because he has no physical body, entices us to share in his misery through the improper use of our bodies. The very tool he does not have is thus the primary target of his attempts to lure us to spiritual destruction." -Elder David A. Bednar, We Believe in Being Chaste, Conference April 2013	"There is also an age-old excuse: “The devil made me do it.” Not so! He can deceive you and mislead you, but he does not have the power to force you or anyone else to transgress or to keep you in transgression." - Boyd K. Packer, Cleansing the Inner Vessel, Conference Oct. 2010

As we take the time to educate ourselves in intimacy and sexual fulfillment we will find that this is not a secret topic, but a sacred topic. A topic that we need to educated ourselves on and not assume that it will come naturally. When we go to reliable sources that hold the same standards as God, we can find fulfillment in one of the greatest joys in marriage.