“Experiences
that generate the most negative emotions also have the capacity to build the
strongest bonds.” – John
Gottman
“Irritation
is an invitation to better thinking and acting.” – H. Wallace Goddard
This week I read
from the above two authors and highlighted these words they shared about
marriage. I felt they were sending the same message. It is through our trials
that we have the opportunity to become better.
When at first
I encounter an argument or disagreement with my husband I do not think, I can’t
wait to see what I will learn from this! I am normally burdened, stressed,
overwhelmed, sad, or angry. However, it is not until later that I realize we as
a couple both learned from our disagreement and hopefully we did just as both
authors suggest, became better.
Goddard
suggests that we turn to God in faith as we work through our differences, he
suggests, “replacing irritation with compassion and charity; replacing
accusation with humility; replacing frustration with invitation.” When we have
Christ at the center of our lives we are able to overcome adversity in our
marriages and have growth and companionship.
Gottman suggests that we turn toward
each other. He gives a list of ways to help reduce stress from those inevitable
stressful conversations.
·
Take
turns
·
Show
genuine interest
·
Don’t
give unsolicited advice
·
Communicate
your understanding
·
Take
your partner’s side
·
Express
a “we against others” attitude
·
Show
affection
·
Validate
emotions
In a previous post I talked about
coming closer together in our marriage when we are closer to God. Therefore,
both authors are correct. When our focus is not on ourselves we are better in
our relationships. I don’t suggest we neglect ourselves, but take time to look
beyond what is right in front of us and listen to President Benson’s suggestion,
“when we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop
out of our lives.” It is through our marriages that we will be able to gain
exaltation. If we are putting God first than God will make sure we are
succeeding in our marriages, this is what He wants. We will become happy, and
our personal needs will be met.
God does not give us marital
challenges because we chose our spouse incorrectly. He gives us challenges so we
can become better, together. Taking a stressful conversation and thinking about
Gottman’s suggestions can help refine us and lift our marriage to a new level
of love and understanding.
I have been experimenting with the
advice of Gottman. I grew up learning to lean on Christ and the Atonement.
Scriptures study, church, and prayers have always had a place in my life, but
taking what I am learning and allowing God to direct my marriage has taken
effort. I must make a conscience effort
daily to think about what I am praying for, what I am learning in my reading,
and what I am taught in church, and then apply it. How can I improve my
marriage when I do these things, what is the message, what will be my actions
and reactions? With so much going on in
a marriage there is bound to be conflict and disagreement. Putting God first
and then having faith that He will help me in my marriage are two ways I can
see improvement. I can become better.
In
stories, as in life, adversity teaches us things we cannot learn otherwise.
Adversity helps to develop a depth of character that comes in no other way. Our
loving Heavenly Father has set us in a world filled with challenges and trials
so that we, through opposition, can learn wisdom, become stronger, and
experience joy."
- President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “Your
Happily Ever After”, Ensign May 2010
"
