In-Laws (making it work)

                               (Thanksgiving with my in-laws. They are really great!) 

 

“For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.” — Jeff Foxworthy

Do you remember meeting your spouse? Where you dreamy eyed? Did you have butterflies? Was falling in love what you expected and hoped for? 

For many of us falling in love with our spouse was an adventure and wonderful experience. We most likely remember what attracted us to them.  We remember our first date and kiss. We probably shared our goals and dreams. We got to know our future spouse on a deep level as we learned of their education goals, religious beliefs, feelings of a future family, where we would live and work. All of these things built on a relationship that led to our marriage. We controlled a lot of our relationship and what it consisted of. 

One thing that we did not have control over was our future spouse’s family. We may have even been surprised to find out how different their family was from them. Maybe we found out they were the shy one, the smart one, the religious one, the tall one, even the one with the best manners. 

As these things unfold, before or after the marriage, we get to decide how we respond to them. Having in-laws can create tension, misunderstanding, and even loneliness. Some of us might feel like Jeff Foxworthy describes in the above quote. But, it can also cause appreciation, happiness, and fondness. In The Family: A proclamation to the World it states, “Extended families should lend support when needed.” When this support is given in the right way we can not only improve our relationship with our in-laws, but with our spouse. 

I remember the first time meeting my in-laws. I was nervous and was still in the early stages of dating their son. My husband and I went with another couple for the weekend to visit and just hangout. I remember my mother-in-law made soup. I remember we got snowed in and couldn’t return to college until a day later than expected. I wondered what they thought of me and was worried about the age difference between my husband and me (7 years). Would they think me as too young and immature? 

As time has passed I have had many experiences and feelings regarding my in-laws, and I am sure they have of me. I have come to appreciate the support they have given over the years and learned a thing or two from our low times — like when we lived with them for 9 months, HOLY MOLY! 

James Harper and Susanne Olsen wrote a chapter titled “Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families.” They discuss ways we can have healthy relationships with our in-laws. As we learn from the scriptures we are to cleave unto our spouses (Genesis 2: 24). Harper and Olsen state, “cleaving to spouses, newly married couples are to be devoted, faithful, and steadfast to their new companions.”  While we are supportive and faithful to our spouse we do not need to forget our parents. A combination of both can help enhance both relationships. Many times when we have a close relationship with our parents we may find it hard to rely first on our spouse when first married. 

Harper and Olsen also share the importance of parents being respectful of the new couples shared identity. Letting them create their own traditions and values and not putting pressure on them to join all family gatherings. They suggest a couple should, “discuss what they will do to protect, maintain, and repair (if necessary).

One thing regarding in-laws I would say I have learned pertains to advice that Harper and Olsen suggest, accepting differences. It normally does no good to point out perceived flaws of our in-laws to our spouse. We may need to express concerns we have of boundaries not being respected or harsh circumstances, but if our aim is to just state we do not care for something, I have rarely seen any good come from this. Our spouse hopefully loves and cares for their parents, or at least respects them. Our spouse probably already knows that their mother talks too much, or that their father avoids family problems that should be discussed. When we bring these things up we set ourselves up for possible contention or hurt feelings. Harper and Olsen suggest, “Prayer fasting, and loving long-suffering are the best remedies when differences of children-in-law bother us.”

I am grateful for my in-laws and my husband is thankful for my parents as well. We have both found that our in-law relationships are at their best when we cleave to one another, discuss how our individual family will do things, find support from our extended family, and accept inevitable differences.

Couple Council

During the course of his blog I have focused a good portion on problem solving and prevention. Today I would like to talk about another prevention tool — counseling together. 

In Elder Ballard’s conference talk in April of 2016 he spoke of family councils and set apart executive councils as on type. An executive council involves two parents.  Elder Ballard states: 

The executive family council is also a good time for wives and husbands to talk about their personal relationships with each other. When Elder Harold B. Lee performed our sealing, he taught us a principle that I believe all couples will find helpful. He said, ‘Never retire without kneeling together, holding hands, and saying your prayers. Such prayers invite Heavenly Father to counsel us by the power of the Spirit.’

Elder Ballard also says this is a good time to talk about the needs of the family in all domains and of all individuals. When we set time to communicate what is going on in our homes and relationships we can prevent future disagreements, arguments, and contention. We are taking the time to talk when both people are calm and ready, not when they are hurt, vulnerable, or upset. 

There are councils throughout the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints that happen on a regular basis. These meeting are a time to share and learn what is going on. Addressing concerns and problems between you and your spouse, or even challenges with children, help open communication and respect for each other’s thoughts ad opinions. The way these councils are set up and carried out by the brethren in the quorum of the twelve give them each an opportunity to prepare and share before any final decisions are made. We can pattern our couple council after theirs and have similar results of love, compassion, understanding, and resolve. Listed below is the set up for their council. 

1. Regular time and place to meet (temple each Thursday morning)
2. A meeting agenda distributed in advance of the meeting
3. Beginning with expressions of love and concern for each member, individually
4. Opening with prayer, inviting the Spirit to assist with the process
5. A member invited to initiate discussion of the item by defining the problem and current status of decisions, etc.
6. Opening for orderly discussion (one at a time, "additive" rather than corrective comments from each member in turn, etc.)
7. On-going, focused discussion until consensus is reached, under the clear influence of the Spirit (as opposed to compromise)
8. Moving forward with unity in accordance with the decision reached
9. Often a snack or other unifying tradition (The brethren often enjoy chocolates and pie when they meet in the temple!)
10. Follow-up discussions of results and progress toward determined outcome

In a separate time Elder Ballard talked of councils and explained, “Most of what men and women must do to qualify for an exalted family life together is based on shared responsibilities and objectives.” We learn from this that together we must make decisions to be an exalted family. He goes on to say, “Both men and women are to serve their families and others, but the specific ways in which they do so are sometimes different.” Not only do we need to make decisions together, but we must realize that those decisions occasionally will be based on two separate, but equal, viewpoints. If we council before our problems arise, and do as Elder Harold B. Lee advised, pray together, we can work together and use the strengths of each other to help create a council with a positive outcome. 

One of the things that stood out to me form the above list is part of #8, moving forward with unity. 

When we unify our efforts while we council with one another we are doing as President Eyring says, “We are all just looking for the truth, we’re not trying to win.” Revelation can come to us through prayer and unity.  

This is one of my favorite video that describes the way the brethren council together.